Quitting is My Option

This will be the opposite of my last post. As I lay here in bed, at six o’clock on a Monday evening, I’m devastated that I don’t feel better this time around. Chemotherapy can make you feel dark and depressed that you literally feel like throwing your hands up and saying “fuck this”. Excuse the f bomb. My fuzzy burnt tongue is back in full force along with all the other side effects that I normally have. And this time peripheral neuropathy decided to make an a appearance. Basically the nerves are being damaged at the tips of my fingers. Seriously. 

I have widdled down to a whopping 115lbs today so my main goal was to get something in my stomach. My smoothie I made for breakfast made me want to vomit half way through choking it down. At lunch I knew I would really have to force myself, like really force. I ordered a side salad from the place next door to work and really prepared myself to eat it. After 2 pieces of cucumber and 3 bites of lettuce I ran to the restroom because I was going to vomit. Does urgent care put in feeding tubes because that is my next step?

My heart breaks that I can’t play with my little girls. I can’t help with homework. I can’t go outside with them. I can’t even eat with them. I want to stop chemo. I know it’s not the best answer to all of this but the way I see it, I’ve had enough. Surgery is already scheduled so why can’t we move it up and get this shit out of my body? I know radiation is 4 weeks after so why not? I don’t need your “doctors know best” lecture about how I feel so please stop. My fear right now is that I will go in for chemo in 2 weeks and all my levels will be so jacked up and I’ll weigh 110lbs that they push chemo back a week or two. Then everything is pushed back. My worst fear. 

So I did speak with my oncologists office today to let them know that things were bad. They are going to stop the taxotere that I have been getting and switch me to taxol. I feel like this is good news but that’s what I said last time and nothing has changed. The more research I do on it tells me that it is a better decision for me. I will not get my hopes up. I going to try and make it through the next 2 weeks without being a negative nancy but no promises. 
And because of chemo brain, I am highly unorganized and can’t seem to remember if I have sent you a thank you card. I had a list going but I think I threw it away. So, I’m working on more thank you cards so please know I’m working on it. I found 4 cards in a purse that I never mailed this morning. Awesome. 

My grammar sucks by the way, I’m lazy.